apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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