Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
