I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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