Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
