Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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