i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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