When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
