I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Randomize
