Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize