I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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