Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
