my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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