I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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