Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
