he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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