How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
