I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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