3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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