The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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