i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
