U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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