its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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