I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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