Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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