if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
