Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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