Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
