why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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