The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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