so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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