Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
