This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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