New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
