i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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