My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
