You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
