And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
