The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
