We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
