My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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