O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize