remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
