im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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