I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
