I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
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