I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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