My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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