The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
