I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
