I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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