i don't like sucking hair
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My life is pants optional.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
