dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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