Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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