About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
