I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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