I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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