:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
