wanna go halves on a baby?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
