Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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