I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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