I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
